Marriage: Told by Three Generations

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Successful Marriage
In the midst of this 21st century world of dating in New York and marriages, it seems so common for people to break-up or get divorced. But why? I’ve been trying to figure out why this seems to happen so frequently now a days because 1. It’s interesting, and 2. I want to avoid it happening to me! So I thought it would be cool for the relationship experts over at Project Soulmate to see how three different generations would answer this simple question: What are five things that make a successful marriage?

I asked this question to my sister who has recently been married, to my mother who has been married to my dad for 27 years, and to my grandma who was married to my grandpa for 57 years until his passing. Now I’m not saying any of them are relationship experts, but they’ve definitely got some experience under their belt. I was not sure what kind of responses I would get, if they’d be identical or drastically different, but I thought that either way it could give some insight into the difficult world of marriage. So here are their answers, word for word. Check them out and see what you think; I mean I might’ve just hacked the secret for a long-lasting marriage…

Successful Marriage

Celeste – 26 Years Old, Newlywed

  1. Communication
  2. Doing things together, but also having alone time
  3. Supporting one another’s goals
  4. Being able to make the other laugh, like singing “fireflies” by Owl City
  5. SEX

Tara – 54 Years Old, Married for 27 Years and Counting

  1. Take Care of yourself/stay in shape/exercise; and if you are a stay at home mom, still fix your hair and put on your makeup
  2. Send gifts/flowers etc. to his work or place of business, just because, not because you are apologizing for something
  3. Have time separate from each other – encourage guy trips/girl trips with friends
  4. When it comes to household finances get and stay on the same page
  5. Sit down to dinner together whenever possible… Even if it means eating at odd times
  6. Always have time for him, ask yourself; “If my best friend form high school walked in the door, would I be too tiredSuccesful Marriage to do something with her?”

Marietta – 79 Years Old, Married for 57 Years

  1. Have to be agreeable when raising your children, when you punish them and everything
  2. Considerate of each other, not selfish
  3. Have to love each other
  4. Willing to wait on them, to take care of them in sickness or in health
  5. Go to church together

 

After going through their answers, they did seem to be very different, but also had some general things that matched. For example, they all agree that communication is very important, whether it is about finances or raising kids, you and your hubby/wifey need to communicate and be on the same page. Another one that stuck out most to me, was how important it is to make time for one another, and to definitely not be selfish when it comes to your relationship. It might seem ridiculous, and there’s clearly no science behind it, but I think these tips could be really useful. If nothing else, I can assure you that these people, no matter how long it’s been, are still very in love; so that’s enough science for me!

The first thing on your agenda, though, is finding the guy/girl to even consider for marriage. And Project Soulmate knows just how to find them!!

 

Emily Stovall

Relationship Advice: Is Long Distance Worth It?

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Long Distance

Long distance… is it really worth it? Unfortunately I find myself asking this question way more often than I should. See the problem is, I have always stood by the idea that long distance will not work, but low and behold… I am in a long distance relationship right now. This has led me to question things like “what makes mine different,” or “why do I think mine will actually work;” and it made me realize certain factors that I think can help decide if long distance is really worth it or not.

I’ll start by explaining why I think long distance is not meant to be and why I believe it will not work. The main reason is because long distance means you completely lose the physical and tangible affection and enjoyment spent with a person when the relationship is solely connected by a phone or video chat. I think one of the best and most important parts of a relationship is the physical attraction felt by two people, and the pride each person feels when they get to be seen in public with their significant other. In a long distance relationship, however, it completely takes that aspect of a relationship away. I know it can be difficult to actually find love in NYC sometimes, so you don’t want to let it go, but after reading this hopefully you’ll be able to make the right decision for your relationship and maybe consider looking to some professional matchmakers for help!

So, with that in mind, here’s what you should think about if you are deciding whether or not to go on with this long distance relationship…

The first factor is whether or not the relationship began on long distance or if it became long distance. If it is the first, meaning your entire relationship from talking to actually dating has been long distance, then I’m sorry I don’t think it is worth it, and it won’t work in the long run. Why? Because, whether we like to admit it or not, people are fake. I think if you are looking to actually settle down it is crucial to see how a person lives, but if youLong Distance have never even stepped foot on the front steps of their house, let alone even been inside, then you really cannot make true judgments on this person. You are unable to tell how they are in public, how social they are, or how smelly of a person they are and these are essential in determining the success of a relationship.

If your relationship was not long distance from the start, but became it due to some outside factor such as work or school (like me!), then I believe your relationship might have a chance! That’s right, I said might and the reason for that leads me to the next factor. This factor is whether or not you guys have set a deadline for each other. As I have stated before, I believe a physical connection is important, so the option of just remaining long distance forever after this point is not a good choice, in my opinion. I think it would be very beneficial for your relationship if you set a time frame, maybe like a year at the most, that can give you each a chance to determine if you can move to each other or if you should just move on from each other.

The last factor is travel. I’m sure this is a common occurrence while dating in New York, but sometimes people do not realize the problems it can have on a relationship. The issue is that Yay you have finally found Long Distancelove in New York, but now you’re not sure if it is working due to all of this travel for work. If your significant other seems to be traveling so much that you are beginning to feel out of touch with each other, perhaps you should ask if you could go with them every now and then. Do not interfere with their work, obviously, but studies have shown that going to sleep together every night can actually lead to a longer and healthier relationship, so try and make that happen! If you are not allowed to travel with them, then try to at least make their times back home very special. But, if these changes do not seem to be helping, then it may be time to cut your losses and move on.

It’s the hard truth, and sometimes the best choice is not always the easiest, but it has to be done. There are so many people in this world that if you can’t find a good guy, I know a couple people that can help… You might have heard of them… does Project Soulmate ring a bell?

Emily Stovall

30 is the New 20

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By: Nicole Hartley

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There is a recent a buzz about how 30 is the new 20, but top psychologists say this is far from the truth. Twenty-somethings are putting off career and relationship decisions based on the belief that they have “downtime” before “real life” begins.

If you’re in your twenties and think that you have all the time in the world to start investing in your future, you’re wrong. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist gave a TED talk about the false notion that twenty-somethings think they have all the time in the world to figure out their careers and their love lives. “Claiming your twenties is one of the simplest yet most transformative things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world,” says Jay.

In her talk, she calls the decade of your twenties “The Developmental Sweet-spot.” People in their twenties are often poorly influenced to believe that this period of life is an extended adolescence meant for living their life to the fullest by doing what they want while they still can. However, Meg Jay accurately points out how living your life to the fullest should include investing in your future NOW rather than later.

In her TED Talk, she says that the brain’s second and final growth spurt occurs in a person’s twenties, so if there is something you want to change about yourself, now is the time to do it. One of Jay’s 20-something patients share that she was dating a guy that she knew was a bad match for her. Jay questions the patient on why she would date a guy she doesn’t see a future with. Sadly, most twenty-somethings waste their time on relationships that have no future because they are waiting until their thirties to settle down with “The One.” Meg Jay says that this is a serious problem because when people do this, they often end up settling for someone out of convenience when they hit that 30 mark because it’s “time” to get married. “The best time to start working on your marriage is before you have one,” says Jay. “And that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.”

The bottom line is do not wait to start thinking about your future and building towards the life you ultimately want to achieve. Second best shouldn’t be your final destination in your career or your love life. Take charge and take initiative, go get the life you want NOW because time is working against you and it’s time for you to start pushing back.

here’s the link to the TED Talk:

 

Online Dating Genius

Online Dating Genius: Height Exaggeration

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Welcome to #2 of Online Dating Genius: A new blog series brought to you by the online dating experts at your favorite NYC Matchmaking Service, Project Soulmate! Each week we will reveal another “do-not” in online dating. If you online date, you will relate.

Own Your Mini-me-ness

Own Your Mini-me-ness

What’s the plan fellas? If your strategy is “just get her to meet me, then she’ll see how charming and funny I am, despite my height” all she will see is the way you handle your insecurities: with deception. This makes you much less attractive than if you were to actually be upfront about your height in a charming and funny way via your online profile.  

Pushing a maximum of one inch in your online dating profile might work. However, anything easily noticeable in person will be a waste of your (and their) future dating time.   Most women – and more importantly – women worth dating, would choose honesty over height.  

Being on the front lines of online dating with our clients, us matchmaking experts know how hard it is for guys listed at under 5’10” to get the most clicks.  Good news is that a majority of women online are willing to give you a chance despite feeling initially ambivalent about your online profile attractiveness – unlike men who mostly won’t engage online unless they feel highly attracted to a woman’s pics.  Data shows that women decide how attractive you are after meeting in person for at least 15 minutes . Hence, your personality plays the outweighing factor when she’s on the fence.

Own it guys.  If you put a taller height to appear in more online dating searches, then say something funny and honest about it in your summary to hitch her.  Humor and self-confidence are the keys to a woman’s heart.  Bottom line guys…height deception is a do-not.

Did you know that Project Soulmate offers professional photo coaching and management services for your online dating accounts? Click here for more info!  Or Contact Us and ask!

Up next…Kids in your pics, photos with friends, height or age fibbing and more!

Stay tuned each week and find more good stuff here:

Check out these Online Dating Genius previous posts:  The Bathroom Selfie, The Offspring Pic, The Hot Chick In Your Pic, and The Not Your Baby Pic.

Find more good stuff here: Twitter: @projectsoulmate   Facebook: Like us!   Pinterest:  Project Soulmate

Jane Rudes is a Communication Consultant as well as the Online Division Director at Project Soulmate. Jane is happy to speak with interested prospective online clients about their online profile and other common online dating woes. 

 

Will he go the distance?

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When embarking on a new relationship, the question is posed.. where should you meet? Relationship Experts Lori and Jenn suggest meeting at a location that is as close to an equal travel distance as possible. This will allow for a neutral location and start the date off on an even playing field. If you come all the way to him, it will eliminate the chase.

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Men love the chase. If a woman travels all the way to the man (especially for the first date) the man will not have to put in ANY work. This could lead to you being much more interested than he is. Does this sound like something you would do? Think about past relationships… were you the one making all the decisions and consistently in charge? It’s time to let this old habit go and let the man lead the way. This will set the stage for a healthy relationship.

If he comes all the way to you… congrats, this guy could be a keeper. It’s important to remember that you ARE worth their time and energy. If they are willing to travel an hour downtown to meet you, let them. This shows commitment right off the bat. It will set the tone for a good potential relationship. However, there is nothing wrong with returning the favor later on down the road. As I always say, relationships are a two way street. If you are blindly meeting someone online or unsure about this person, make sure you meet halfway so there is no option to come back with you.

So you’ve figured out the area… Now where should you meet?

Meet up for a quick drink! You will know on first sight if there is chemistry there. If it isn’t, this quick date will make it easy to leave if you aren’t feeling it.
Grab a bite to eat and have dinner together, go enjoy the changing of the seasons with a walk around the park! Anything that will allow for stimulating conversation is a good choice. Going to the movies or meeting to go to a friends party will not truly allow you to see if a connection is there.

     Dating in NYC can be hard, especially with subways, taxis, and traffic involved. However, keep in mind that if both people put in the effort to make a relationship work, there is a much greater chance that it will end in happiness! Who knows…. your next date could be your soulmate!

 

BY: LILY DOERFLER

Online Dating Genius

Online Dating Genius: The Bathroom Selfie

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Introducing Online Dating Genius: A new blog series brought to you by the online dating experts at your favorite NYC Matchmaking Service, Project Soulmate!  Each week we will reveal another “do-not” in online dating.

If you online date, you will relate.

Online Dating Genius

The Bathroom Selfie

Gentlemen, you may think you look great that day. Maybe you do. Problem is – women are much more likely to notice your background bedroom mess and be turned off by the unwarranted glimpse into your bathroom, than be turned on by your “hot” look.

Data shows men who include photos of themselves looking away from the camera get more responses. Just ask a friend to take a candid of you at the beach, when you’re dressed well for work or while going out at night. If you’re alone, at least use the timer on your smartphone cam. The mirror is not your friend! Get out of the bathroom…and the bedroom. Always be mindful of your background.

Relationship experts say that most women click away from male profiles that include selfies. Especially shirtless selfies. Worse…shirtless bathroom selfies. This strategy can negatively imply a lot about you. Women online often perceive men who use selfies as shallow, lonely or not confident enough to ask someone else to take their photo. You should aim for pics that highlight your personality and your hobbies. A great matchmaking tip is to include a minimum of one clear headshot, one candid with a nice smile, a clean-cut full-length picture of you dressed more formally and one shot taken while doing something you love. Mirror pics and shirtless selfies will backfire for men when it comes to dating women online, so bottom line guys…selfies are a do-not.

Written by Jane Rudes

Did you know that Project Soulmate offers professional photo coaching and management services for your online dating accounts? Click here for more info!  Or Contact Us and ask!

Up next…Kids in your pics, photos with friends, height or age fibbing and more!

Stay tuned each week and find more good stuff here:

Check out these Online Dating Genius previous posts:  The Height Exaggeration, The Offspring Pic, The Hot Chick In Your Pic, and The Not Your Baby Pic. 

Find more good stuff here: Twitter: @projectsoulmate   Facebook: Like us!   Pinterest:  Project Soulmate

Jane Rudes is a Communication Consultant as well as the Online Division Director at Project Soulmate. Jane is happy to speak with interested prospective online clients about their online profile and other common online dating woes. 

 

Trick or Treat: How to Tell if Your Relationship is Salty or Sweet

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Halloween is a coveted holiday for various reasons, but the most obvious is because it’s the one day of the year when you can be anyone you want to be. Who do you want to be this Halloween? Or more importantly, who do you want to be with this Halloween? The holiday comes with all sorts of fun things like sweets and hair dye, but it also brings out the goons and the goblins. So, how do you know if the person you are with is a sweet treat or a salty trick to watch out for?

Trick

  1. He refuses to do a couple costume with you
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    Couple costumes can be silly and most of the time absurd, but they are fun way of expressing your relationship to others! If he is totally against a couples costume then clearly he is insecure either in himself or the relationship, or possibly both. No one likes an insecure person especially on the one day of the year when the whole point is to get out of your comfort zone and be something silly! Couple costumes aren’t a must, but a good attitude and someone who is sure of himself and you absolutely is!
  2. He won’t share his candy
    costume2
    What? Are you storing your candy for winter? Stingy people are the worst kinds of people. Okay, I get it, candy is super awesome and we all want it for ourselves, but if your significant other can’t spare one Kit-Kat bar he’s totally salty and not worth your time. Trick or treat? Total trick; find someone who wants to give you all the Kit-Kat bars Hershey has to offer.
  3. He hates the holiday
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    It takes a special kind of person to hate the most fun holiday of the year. If he hates Halloween he is a total grouch. Sure, maybe there’s a possibility he has some personal issues with clowns or something, but REALLY do you hate the whole spirit that Halloween has to offer? Candy, cute kids, and dressing up are all fun things that even the grouchiest people love to participate in. So, if he hates Halloween he’s probably got a bad attitude, which quite frankly isn’t fun for anyone.

Treat

  1. He takes pride in his costume; silly or sexy
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    A guy that can laugh at himself is not only sexy, but it also shows that he is confident in himself and clearly has a sense of humor. BIG TREAT. If he can dress up as Pamela Anderson and insert some big balloons into his shirt, while wearing short shorts then he’s a keeper for sure.
  2. He thinks you look sexy even in your big SpongeBob costume
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    This is big. No girl wants to feel like she HAS to dress up as a Playboy bunny to please her man. If you want to dress up as a Playboy bunny, all the power to you. However, wanting to and feeling like you have to because he wouldn’t like it if you wore something baggy and unflattering are 2 different things. If he appreciates you dressing up as something absurd like Gandalf Grey from Lord of the Rings then he’s a total treat. He loves you for you and thinks you will look sexy in anything, including a beard.
  3. He’s great with the kids when he answers the door
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    Guys that are cute with kids are the best thing since sliced bread, am I right?! If he loves being silly and fun with the kids when they ring the doorbell then you know he’s doing something right. The way a guy is around children is a tell tale sign of how he will be not only as a father, but also as a husband. Keep him around this Halloween because he’s a total treat.

Happy Halloween from the team at Project Soulmate!

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By: Nicole Hartley

 

Love yourself first.

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Love yourself first.

When thinking about your day to day life, what comes to the forefront? Your workload? Meeting a business partner? Trekking to a different neighborhood to see a friend? No matter what you are doing, do other people come first? This is commonplace in today’s society and sometimes it’s hard to remember to think about yourself. The phrase “self love is the best love” is true, but once you love yourself you can be open to loving others, and loving them wholeheartedly with no reservations. New York’s Elite Matchmakers think that loving yourself first will lead to extremely healthy and successful relationships. The best way to do this is make sure that you take care of yourself mind, body, and spirit.

If you find yourself hearing the phrase “treat yourself” and don’t know what that means… Here are a few tips to help you finding and accepting your best self.

treat yo self

1. Add some personal time to your schedule. If you work everyday and are constantly booked with friends on the weekends, try penciling yourself in instead. Sundays are great days to relax and unwind. Grab a book or try a new hobby like writing a blog, running, or even knitting. It important to maintain your interests so that you don’t end up feeling burnt out.

2. Follow the aforementioned phrase and treat yourself. If you’ve has a long week and want Shake Shack for dinner instead of cooking… do it! Sometimes even diets need to be broken to feel full. There is no point in going through life constantly wanting more. Life is all about choices and it’s best not to overthink small things like this. If you want it, go get it.

3. Enjoy some ‘tech-free time’. Studies say that we should unplug at least one hour before going to bed to maximize the effectiveness of sleep. This seems almost impossible in today’s age where emails are flooding your inbox every minute and social media is more prevalent than ever. Make a conscious effort to put your phone down before bed and you will be grateful, so will your cell phone bill.

4. Find ways to destress. It can be as simple as looking out of your window, taking a 5 minute stretch at work, or working out. Try drinking tea before you go to bed, chamomile been proven to decrease mild anxiety! No matter what it is that you do, do it because you want to, not because you have to.

5. Start a gratitude jar! Everyday (or whenever you remember) write down something on a slip of paper that you are grateful for, or a positive thing that happened that day. At the end of the year you will have a collection of little happy things to remind you how great life can be everyday.

Relationship Experts Lori and Jenn feel that it is important love yourself before you can open up to others and find your potential soulmate. Accepting yourself as you are is the best way to live your happiest life.

BY: LILY DOERFLER

New York's Top Matchmakers

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Girl Code. Synonymous with Guy Code. Urban dictionary defines this as: “the code of guidelines that are girls most obey in order not to get kicked out of the community”. Ideals are often mentioned by the cast of the well- known MTV show. Whether you believe in these guidelines or not, you are bound to run into people who do. Codes like this can foster a sense of community or tear people apart. New York’s Top Matchmakers agree that following this code will lead to better friendships and relationships. Here are some scenarios to help navigate the crazy world of being a woman.

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1. You and your friend are at a bar talking with a guy you just met. You think the one your friend is interested in is cute too. You…

A. Pretend like you don’t notice your friend is into him, you make your move.
B. Ask the cute guy to introduce you to some of his friends, why can’t you both have it all?
C. Go out on your own to find some new friends and give them some alone time.

The breakdown:If you answered A, good luck keeping that friend. Think more along the lines of ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’. If you chose B, you’re a good friend who is going to make the most out of this situation. There is nothing wrong with trying to make your night a little better, as long as you don’t ruin your friend’s fun. Picked C? You’re on the right track to making a good friend and finding a new guy.

 

2. You are looking to date again. It just so happens that the person of interest is the ex of your friend. You…
A. Pursue him, disregard that he has a history with your friend.
B. Find someone new to date!
C. Ask your friend if she would be okay with you getting to know him.

The breakdown:
Chose A? You’ve got some re-evaluating to do. If you choose the guy, especially without asking, you are guaranteed to be terminating your friendship and any level of respect that was once there. If you answered B, congratulations! You are a decent person. You’ve taken into account all of the potential issues and made the right choice. If C was your answer, I hope that you are not close friends. This is a sticky situation, if you feel like they really wouldn’t care, go ask. But, be wary that this may cause some problems down the line, whether they say it or not.

 

3. Your friend and her boyfriend broke up awhile ago and you would like to reach out as friends, he was always so fun to be around! You…
A. Realize this could have some negative consequences and leave it be.
B. Reach out, what’s the harm?
C. Ask your friend if she is comfortable with you reconnecting.

The breakdown:
If you chose A, you are very smart. No friend wants to be confronted about an ex when they are trying to move on. Picked B? Think again, friends will value you asking, it means you respect them. Some people do not show how much a breakup has affected them, and if you aren’t aware of this a bridge is likely to be burned in the process. You answered C… prepare for some potential awkwardness. Depending on how bad the breakup was, you could be landing yourself in some hot water for even asking.

 

Bottom line:
When in doubt, always ask. Mutual respect is the building block for any great friendship and breaking that down will have a negative affect on your relationship. New York Dating can be hard, we get that but don’t mess with ex’s if you want to keep your friendship intact. Good friendships will lead to better intimate relationships. Above all, treat others the way you want to be treated and life will be a breeze.

 

BY: LILY DOERFLER

5 Things Men Look For in a Woman

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  1. Confidence
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    Just as women look for confidence in their man, a man loves to see that a woman has confidence in herself. Confidence is attractive and sexy because it shows a guy that you know what you want not only for yourself, but also from others. Men want to know that a woman has faith in herself and in the them because it shows them that you are confident in the relationship and its future.
  2. Independence
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    Every man loves a woman that can hold her own. He wants to know that you want him, but you don’t necessarily need to rely on him. Independence is key to any relationship because it is important to have your own hobbies and interests in order to maintain a healthy and stable relationship. In other words, he doesn’t want you clinging to him every second of the day to do things with you. The last thing anyone should be in a relationship is needy, so be independent because at the end of the day it’s good for both of you and will lead to a healthier, long-lasting relationship.
  3. A Challenge
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    Everyone loves a challenge, especially men. It is endearing to a man when he has to work to try to figure a woman out. Men love to learn more about a woman as the relationship progresses, so don’t air out all your dirty laundry on the first couple of dates; make him wait for it. He wants to know that there is more to you than he already knows, and there probably is, so tell him at the right time not just any time. So, ladies give him a challenge and leave him wanting more both intellectually and physically.
  4. Complexity
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    Just like anything in life, it’s important to be versatile and good at many things. Men like to know that their woman is a bunch of women rolled into one. He doesn’t just want you to be smart or just hard working. He wants you to be smart, hardworking, cute, and caring all in one. Now, I’m not saying that you have to be superwoman, but every woman has multiple interesting personality traits and habits, and he wants to see that versatility in you. You have many strengths, so show him that.
  5. A Good Attitude
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    Above all, every guy loves a woman who has a good attitude. Men love a woman who is fun, positive, and who love to do things. No one wants to be with someone who is always in a bad mood or negative about things because quite frankly, it’s no fun. Obviously everyone has bad times and times where they simply need to be grumpy, but being grumpy and being a grump are two different things. Someone once told me, “A positive attitude changes everything,” and there is nothing more true. If you go into something thinking you are going to succeed or have a positive attitude about it, I can almost guarantee you the outcome will be a good one. So, if you want your relationship to succeed, have a positive attitude, there’s nothing like it.

By: Nicole Hartley