How Picky is Too Picky When Searching for a Relationship?

Lately, it seems that no matter where we turn we’re faced with articles that say that our generation is “un-dateable” or “there are perfectly good reasons why you’re single!” At the end of the day, it doesn’t take a relationship expert to figure out why most of us are single. It’s because we’re too damn picky.

Don’t get me wrong- there’s no problem with knowing what you want in a relationship. That will save you a lot of time, emotions, and lipstick in the long run.

The problem we have is that, especially when it’s been a while, we tend to concoct this dream man straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel and any guy who doesn’t meet those standards gets brushed off. Hell, you could have the best matchmaking service in NYC set you up and still find a flaw in your date. Maybe that’s why we’ve been deemed un-dateable?

There’s also a problem within the problem. A lot of us are blind to the fact that we’re picky. We wonder why we push guys away after a few dates or second-guess the relationship when something goes slightly awry.

These things happen because we may not be picky in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses, our pickiness decides to sneak out of the woodwork.

At first, he’s your type. He draws you in and you thank the heavens that you’ve finally broken out of your rut. You’re ready to laugh in all of the faces of those who said you were un-dateable.

Then, you’re pickiness shows up to the party. You notice that he’s not as cute when he shaves his beard. You love that he has tattoos, but think the ones he has are tacky and cliché. That one time he came over for a Netflix date, he chose way too girly of a movie (which he only chose for you and almost definitely hated) which makes him way too sensitive.

We’re all guilty of it. We ruin a good thing by nitpicking the reasons why a perfectly good guy isn’t good enough for us. We end up losing him and blame it on everything but the fact that in our picky minds, he just wasn’t up to par.

Like I said, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a man and in a relationship. But when the shoes he wears on the third date makes or breaks the relationship, that’s when you need to take a step back and reevaluate which of your criteria are actually important to you, and which ones are just picky pet peeves getting in the way of love.

 

BY: Nicole D’Amato

The Goldilocks Effect: Too Nice, Too Bad, Too Good to Be True

We’ve all heard the old fairytale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. A little blonde girl wanders into the home of a family of bears who have gone out for a walk. She rummages through their house, trying each bear’s porridge, sitting in each bear’s chair and sleeping in each bear’s bed until she finds the one that’s just right.

While we may have overlooked it as a silly fairytale growing up, our favorite blonde, porridge eating character staged the perfect symbolism for what many of us experience in our journey to find love, which I like to call: the Goldilocks Effect.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a love life that is so successful, it seems like an elite matchmaker laid it out for them. Most of us go through a roller coaster of guys before we find “the one”.

I’m sure there’s a list a mile long of the different guys we’ve gone on dates with, and each has a defining characteristic that strikes him off of our future husband list. Here are a few that every single girl is likely to encounter at one point or another on her roller coaster ride to find love:

The Nice Guy: We’ve all met, and probably been on at least one date with, “The Nice Guy.” He’s classically handsome, chivalrous, and everything your mom and grandma describe when they talk about your perfect match.

On paper, “The Nice Guy” is the total package. He’s sweet, intelligent, thoughtful, and caring. He opens doors and compliments you. He brings you flowers and picks up the check. He walks you to your door at the end of the night without the expectation of being invited up.

He’s everything you could ask for in a gentleman. So why is it that you seem to write him off if he’s so perfect?

It’s because he’s just TOO nice.

His jokes are funny but safe- you would never hear an inappropriate or sarcastic pun escape his lips at risk of offending you. He’s always playing it safe. He won’t make the move to give you the goodnight kiss that you’re dying for because he’s afraid to move too fast with you. The dates he takes you on are cut and dry- dinner, a walk on the beach, a coffee shop- never something adventurous or daring.

Point blank: because he plays it too safe, so he loses your interest. Women are complex and we need something to keep our attention and spice things up, otherwise we get bored.

The Bad Boy: The next quintessential man that you are sure to date is “The Bad Boy.” He is the polar opposite of “The Nice Guy,” and he is everything that is NOT on mom and grandma’s “How to Find Love” list that they’ve shoved in your face since you were old enough to date.

“The Bad Boy” is just that: he’s covered in tattoos, rough around the edges, mysterious, and has a notoriously infamous reputation for one reason or another. Maybe he’s the biggest player in the area, or maybe he has a not-so-clean past that follows him around. Whatever it is, it attracts you to him like a magnet.

You’re infatuated with “The Bad Boy.” He keeps you on your toes and you never know what to expect with him. As things progress, you start to think that you can break him of his bad boy reputation and that falling in love with you will put him on the straight and narrow.

The sad realization about “The Bad Boy” is that unless he wants to change, he’s not going to. No matter how many times you try to get him to do couple-y things together, he’s more likely to commit to his next tattoo than he is to an evening with you. And forget asking him to post that picture of the two of you to his Instagram. Anything that could damage his bad boy image is a no-go.

If you’re trying to find love, looking to “The Bad Boy” is going to lead to a dead end because just as his nickname entails, he’s bad for you.

The Too Good To Be True: I can personally attest that the guys who seem too good to be true tend to be.

In my own quest to find love, I’ve personally encountered all of the aforementioned men. I’ve been disappointed with “The Nice Guy,” tried to change “The Bad Boy,” and thought I hit the jackpot with the guy who was too good to be true- until it came crashing down.

The “Too Good to Be True” guy is the one who seems to be the whole package. He’s handsome, witty, thoughtful, romantic, fun and easy to be with. Even as you are still getting to know him, you feel as if you’ve known him for your whole life.

From the start, you feel like you can open up to him and be yourself completely. He surprises you with flowers and gifts that he could only know you’d love by actually listening to your rambling that most people tune out.
Everything with him is perfect. It’s literally too good to be true. Then, reality hits. It IS too good to be true.

You realize that he may not be all he’s cracked up to be. Your initial infatuation diminishes as the honeymoon stage ends and you’re left wondering if he is as amazing as you initially thought. Or you find that some of the things that made him incredible were fabrications or down right lies. The excitement over him begins to fade, and the constant communication between the two of you becomes more of a nuisance than it is enjoyable and you start to nitpick everything that happens between the two of you.

As much as it sucks to hear, if you think someone is too good to be true, he probably is.

 

Along the beaten path you’ve taken to find love, there’s bound to have been times where you been ready to give up and settle for living life as a cat lady. But just think, it took Goldilocks a few tries to find what was just right for her, and it’s no different for your love life.

One day, you’ll come across a guy who is the perfect combination of “The Nice Guy,” “The Bad Boy,” and the “Too Good to Be True.” He’s going to be the perfect guy for you- your “just right.”

So don’t stop looking, because if you do, your soulmate may slip right through the cracks.

 

BY: Nicole D’Amato

Do Couples Who Workout Together… Work Out?

Group of friends enjoying walk in park

Originally written for the Dasha Wellness NYC blog October 11, 2012

Fitness couples. You know ’em.  The hot couple working out together at the gym, prepping for a marathon in Central Park, or going mountain climbing or hiking as their weekend activity. However, sometimes these “fitness couples” get a bad rap. Why is this? Maybe it makes everyone else bitter/jealous that more often than not we spend time eating, having cocktails, and sitting on the couch with our significant other and secretly wishing we were more active together? I’d say that whatever a couple likes to do together is a good thing. Outsiders should MYOB :).

Whether or not a couple works out together really depends on the couple- there is no need to keep this aspect of life separate! If fitness is something that you both enjoy, then of course, do it together! One of my favorite ways to spend time with my husband is when I roller blade and he runs! However, when giving advice to someone planning a first date, I never suggest planning anything too active or outdoorsy. It is way too much pressure on daters to prove themselves right off the bat! A first date should be relaxed where the couple can make eye contact.

After couples have been dating for a while, a situation that can cause the relationship to run into trouble is when one person pressures the other to work out or tone up. Clearly fitness is important for good health, but I think pressure of any kind isn’t a good thing. A person will become resentful, and chances are, your request will backfire. Everyone is the boss of his or her own body, so don’t project your insecurity onto your partner. However, if your partner is complaining about wanting to tone up or get in shape, then by all means offer ideas!

Until next time,

xoxo Lori Zaslow
Matchmaker & Co-Founder
Project Soulmate

Choosing The Perfect Matching Service For YOUR Love Life

HOW TO CHOOSE THE BEST MATCHMAKER FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE

2012-12-20 postDating Interview: As Matchmakers We Represent You with Lori Zaslow & Jennifer Zucher
see the original MyTreat interview here

Lori Zaslow and Jennifer Zucher are the duo behind, Project Soulmate, one of Manhattan’s premier matchmakers for elite singles. They were also the stars of the Bravo TV reality show, Love Brokers. Today we were able to track them down and pick their brains on the world of matchmaking.

 

How does Project Soulmate, your professional matchmaking service, work? What’s the process like when someone comes to you and says “help me find someone”?

Our client base is made up of commitment minded men and women from the New York tri-state area and South Florida who have put their love lives in our hands; our database is populated with individuals who are looking for their other half and our process has a proven track record of success.

The first thing we do is meet with them, get to know them and see if there is a mutual connection. We want to make sure we are in sync and that we can find what they are looking for. We want to make sure our expectations are in line.

Sites like eharmony have long surveys they make people fill out and based on computer algorithms they figure out who matches with who. What’s different about how you guys approaching making matches?

Not only do we make people fill out a short questionnaire, we actually meet people one on one to learn about them, what they are looking for and we work together. There is no algorithm to love!

A lot of people like to play matchmaker whether they are good or not at it. What makes a good matchmaker?

Someone who is a great listener, unbiased, nonjudgmental, listening to what you have to say while learning what you need, who has a network different from your current network. People can’t be everywhere at once, so it’s our job to be at places where you can’t be…we represent you.

What should people be looking for in a matchmaker if they are considering using a formal one?

Someone who is in their city or town, feels you like connect with so they can commit to helping you, look for references and referrals. Someone that is open with you and doesn’t over promise.

How much matchmaking is actually coaching versus just finding them the “right” person? Does it ever happen where someone says they want XYZ in a person, but it turns out what they say they want isn’t necessarily good for them? How do you handle those situations?

We guide our clients, not coach our clients. We offer feedback and tell you what the other people really thought about you without a filter. We have an open rapport where we take on clients that we express; we listen to their needs and wants. When they start dating, they realize on their own, that XYZ personality traits might not compliment theirs. In the situations that things don’t work out our job is to handle it, we are hands on.

What do you think is biggest reason why people have trouble finding the right mate?

They think they are open and they are not. Also, not making love their first priority.

Connect with Lori or Jennifer:

Site: https://projectsoulmate.com
Company Twitter: https://twitter.com/ProjectSoulmate
Lori’s Twitter: @LoriZaslow
Jennifer’s Twitter: @JennZucher

5 Ways To Spot Your Soulmate

5 Ways to Know You’ve Met Your Soulmate, According to Bravo’s Love Broker: Lori Zaslow

by Anna Moeslein, Glamour.com
Assistant editor and entertainment writer. University of Missouri grad. Will listen to any song and watch any TV show, movie, or cute puppy video at least once (but probably twice). Eats ice cream or fro-yo daily⿿extra points if it has coconut.
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So, how do you know if he’s “the one” or not? That’s something only you can truly tell, but there are a few sure-fire signs that you’ve met your soulmate. We asked relationship expert Lori Zaslow, star of Bravo’s Love Broker (returning TONIGHT, July 24 at 10/9c) and co-founder of matchmaking service Project Soulmate, for her tips on finding success in love.

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1. Consistency from the other person.

I think we’re all looking for that–someone who is giving you consistency and making you a top priority. To me, lasting love is your “soulmate.” It’s healthy. It’s normal. It’s good. You can’t know right away! It takes time to know someone’s moods. I don’t want to put my stamp on something that anyone would think is instant. At Project Soulmate, when someone is on the fence about a person they just met, we always encourage a second date. You just never know! That person could be your soulmate, and you just blew him off because there was no absolute magic right away.

2. Someone who is genuinely concerned.

He is genuinely concerned about you and asks ‘How was your day? How are you? How are you feeling?’ Everything is not one-sided. The person can sense your needs and wants more. You might not need to use words. Of course, in life we do need to use words to articulate, but he might have a stronger vibe if he’s your soulmate. It’s as if he said, “I knew you were feeling that today.”
3. The person is your best friend as much as he is your lover.

The attraction is there, but it’s balanced by a friendship. Without the friendship, the relationship will never sustain. So if it’s always hot and always about sexual relations–when it’s too much of anything–it’s not lasting. There’s a mutual love and respect when someone is your soulmate. That should be first of everything. When you’ve met your soulmate, you’re both giving 150 percent. If you’re each giving together, it’s 300 percent.

4. Your intuition plays a role.

It’s someone that your intuition is constantly reminding you that this is quality, this is different, and this is someone special. It’s someone that you want to make your top priority, and you want to give your all to, and someone you desire in a healthy way. The feeling of your heart falling every time you see him, every single time, waiting for the text. It’s the person that you think “Oh, this could be it!” It could feel like a different connection than you’ve ever felt. Sometimes you meet someone, and you’re like ‘I swear I know you from somewhere,’ or you feel an instant comfort. You could feel more comfortable with a guy you know three months than someone you were with for five years. It happens all the time. So when I use the word soulmate, I’m not saying it loosely, because there is definitely magic in that word.
5. The person listens to what you say and actually acts upon it.

When you love someone and care about someone, you want to be better for yourself, but also for that person. When you’re going to have a future with someone, the person’s health becomes your health. Your partner takes what you say with love. Words and actions should be one in the same, always. You don’t only say ‘I love you’ and expect him to know it. No, you show someone. Anything you do not protect, you lose. Go out of your way when it’s someone’s birthday or when someone got a promotion. Be there when he needs you to hold his hand. Show someone you love them, take care of him, protect him. Your soulmate is going to give his all all of the time. When your boyfriend travels, he’s going to let you know he cares. Through thick and thin, someone is going to love you whether you have makeup on or you don’t. Because money comes and goes, friends come and go, life comes and goes.

So, tell us! Do you think you’ve met your soulmate? What are some of your signs for knowing you’re with “the one?”

Project Soulmate on Blog Talk Radio

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Sometimes finding that special someone seems to be impossible. This is when you bring on the best in Matchmaking in the team of Bravo TV’s Lori Zaslow and Jenn Zucher, collectively they are the founders of Project Soulmate.

Lori and Jenn  serve as great entertainment. Not only are they outspoken and prepared to discuss the fabulous and not-so-fabulous aspects of love, but their contrasting opinions are sure to entertain all. Between Lori’s tongue-in-cheek comments and Jenn’s directness, they are a dynamic duo ready to take on any question thrown their way. Nothing is too risqué or over the top.

Tune in to hear how its done.

www.projectsoulmate.com

Listen in and get many important questions answered during this detailed interview with Project Soulmate: Bravo’s Love Broker, Lori Zaslow and her business partner Jenn Zucher are featured on the UCW Radio Show, with the wonderful Louis Velasquez

Listen to internet radio with Louis Velazquez on Blog Talk Radio