You just won two tickets to see the Broadway play, Hamilton. You know your best friend has been dying to go but your boyfriend is an American history junkie who would really appreciate the production. Who do you choose?
So often in life we’re presented with choices: Yankees or Red Socks, jeans or leggings, chocolate or vanilla..best friend or boyfriend should not be one of them. You love your best friend and you love your boyfriend. They both love being around you. So really, why would you even want to choose?
Project Soulmate spoke to women in relationships and asked them why they would ever feel like they have to make this type of decision. We determined the three main reasons women think they have to choose between their BFF and their boy-toy and offered them our solutions:
Are you the Absent-minded friend?
Being in love is not just beautiful, it’s exhilarating. You want to dedicate every second of your time to this person because they make you feel as content as the first sip of a cappuccino on a Monday morning… You think you need it but what you’re actually feeling is premature signs of addiction. Don’t sacrifice yourself or your friendships for your significant other. Remember your friends came before your boyfriend or girlfriend and will probably be there after. You can’t expect to run to them when your relationship has fallen into the abyss if you forgot about them during the honeymoon period. Denying yourself of “me time” or girls night outs may lead to loss of lifelong friends and may even cause the dynamic of your romantic relationship to turn sour.
Tip: Make a day in the week that is dedicated to your friends and only your friends. This means you will not drag your significant other along. Go get a mani/pedi with your girls and talk about something other than your relationship. Let your friends know that there is still a ‘you’ even though you’re apart of a ‘we’.
Are you the mediator friend?
If your friends don’t like your significant other there has to be a reason. If your significant other doesn’t fancy your friends there’s reasoning behind this as well. Sometimes we’re blinded by love or by years of friendship that we ourselves cannot see when we’re in a poisonous relationship. If this is the case, listen to the ones you love. Sometimes an outside perspective can be beneficial for improving the relationship as a whole.
In other cases, the feelings of distaste between friend and significant other surfaces after one has been dishonest. You’ve forgiven your friend or lover for something that the other won’t overlook. If the trust was broken, their relationship may need a healing period before things fall back into place. If time has passed and the relationship between your friends and significant other is still weak, try strengthening their relationship by reliving great memories you’ve all shared.
Tip: Make time for your best friend and your boyfriend together! It doesn’t have to be just the three of you from the start. Invite them to a barbeque or a game night so that they can interact with each other naturally without feeling pressured into it. If this is the man you’ll potentially marry than your best friend will eventually warm up to him and vice versa.
Are you the ultimatum friend?
Its either me or (name here)?
If you’ve ever had anyone in your life utter these words to you do yourself a favor and remove this person from your circle. Forcing a friend or significant other to pick a side is selfish and inconsiderate. What they’re asking is not for you to choose between them and another important person in your life, they’re actually asking for you to decide between happiness and heartbreak. This type of person is extremely possessive and if you were to choose them, they’d really start to believe that you belong to them since they can easily manipulate you into doing what they want.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t like you hanging around a hazardous friend it’s fair for him or her to let you know how they are feeling. One could approach this situation differently, by saying “I don’t think it’s the best decision to hang too closely around (name here)” and ultimately let that person make the decision whether to continue the friendship or not. If you try to force a decision on them you will ultimately lose them.
TIP: Don’t be this person.
Your relationships with your friends and your boyfriend need equal maintenance. You don’t want to be labeled as the friend who forgets her friends once she is in a relationship, the same way you wouldn’t want your significant other to complain that you’re always with your friends and not giving them any face time. You also don’t want to have someone controlling who you can and can’t have in your life. You need to water both of your relationships in order for them to grow while also pulling out the weeds that attempt to overpower you. Bravo matchmaker Lori Zaslow believes you never have to choose if you have a healthy balance of both.
Written by Christina Madera