The Benefit of the Doubt Syndrome

sad imageIf you’re anything like I am, you understand that sometimes being the bearer of bad news just comes with the title of a best friend. It is your job to give your friend clear warning signs; detour, do not enter, or dead end, to keep them safe from any unpredictable partners. Subconsciously, we follow traffic signs because we know disobeying the law can result in a ticket. On the other hand, we knowingly ignore guideposts and go on dangerous routes in pursuit of love that eventually costs us more than just money. How can we spare ourselves and our girlfriends of any collisions? Let us, the best matchmaking service in NYC, educate you on how to read a man and how to avoid falling victim to the “benefit of the doubt” syndrome.

If you’ve ever had continuous suspicion, unquestionable doubt, or have treated your man’s claims with skepticism, congratulations you’re a woman. A woman can naturally sense when something is off. You can just feel his love withdrawing. He’s starts acting different but you brush the idea away and pray his blase attitude passes with it. Instead of being straightforward and questioning him, you want to use environmental factors to reason with his distance. He hasn’t called me all week because he’s really busy. He only kissed me once today because he’s stressed out.

This is where the problem starts. You’re making all of the excuses for him so he doesn’t have to. Giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Ladies, the only person too busy or too stressed is the president and he still makes time for the first lady. Women work, and cook, and clean, and workout, and go to school, and raise children. If a person is interested in you nothing, not even an air-tight schedule, will stop them from wanting to spend time with you.

So he says he wants to spend time with ‘the boys’. The truth is he probably misses his friends. Truth also is he probably doesn’t miss you if he uses this excuse every weekend. His friends are a priority and you are not. I’m sorry to say this baby girl, but you need to let this man go.

Maybe he tells you that he’s not ready for anything serious. If he just got out of a serious relationship, then this is probably an honest response. If he hasn’t been in a relationship since his high school days, then you’ve probably got yourself a commitment phobic.  In this situation, a benefit of the doubt girl will assume that she can wait him out. You may want to believe that eventually he’ll want a relationship despite his aversion to commitment. But, the sad reality is not that he doesn’t want a relationship. It’s that he may not want one with you.

Or has he stopped texting you all together? Did his phone die or did he? So many women give their guy way too much credit. This my friends is the universal sign of denial. If days have gone by and he has yet to respond, I guarantee he’s read your message. No response is a response too. It means he’s just not that into you.

Now, I’m not saying that all men are shady. You can definitely still find great men when dating in NYC. Just be vigilant ladies. Some men will puppet you around until you catch on to the signs. Project Soulmate says all women have a six sense: a sense of consciousness, and we should not ignore it when we have any doubt of devotion. If you feel something is off it may be that something is actually off. It’s no wonder people say your mom is always right!

It’s no wonder people say your mom is always right!

 

Written by Christina Madera

How to Separate the Boy in Boyfriend

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I’ve never liked the word boyfriend. In other languages, for instance, Spanish, your special someone would be referred to as novio (“boyfriend’) rather than amigo varón (male friend). This clear distinction denotes a romantic relationship as more serious than your typical friendship.  Don’t misunderstand me, it’s great to think of your mister as your friend. Without friendship, no romantic relationship can persevere. The real problem with the word is that it begins with boy. No professional woman should be dealing with a dependent boyfriend. Is it safe to assume that what begins with a boy will end with a man?

It starts off with the family.

If you are dating, seeing, sleeping with a “boy” you’ll know it. He’s an adult child. He looks the part of a man but inside all you get is a pubescent boy who forgets all of his responsibilities. He feels that you should cook the meals and clean the way his momma does. His mom did all of this things because she loved him so shouldn’t you do the same?

No.

In some cultures, mothers baby their sons because… Well because they were raised that way. The girls are all in the kitchen while the boys are watching a sporting event on television. The wives are the last the enjoy the meal because they have to serve the plates for their husbands and all of their children.

No.

This worked when women did not work. If both parts of the couple equally contribute to the finances of the house than both should equally work to maintain the household. High-end matchmaking company, Project Soulmate says relationships should be 50/50; if she cooks, he should clean the dishes.

It continues with you.

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So you’ve started getting serious with this man-boy. It started off very casual. First, he asked you to call him to wake him up for work. You replaced his alarm clock but you love hearing his sleepy voice so you didn’t mind at first. Then randomly asks you to do his laundry and you do it anyways because he’s so friggin cute! Before you know it you’re the wife of a ‘boysband’ because never learned how to say no.

The bad habits he learned at home do not have to continue into your relationship. ‘Adulting’ isn’t easy or fun but we do it because we have no other choice. If he won’t do a chore because he doesn’t know how to, then you should encourage him to learn. Professional matchmaker Jenn Zucher recommends taking cooking lessons with your man and assigning a day in the week where he will be responsible for cooking. If he’s lazy, persuade him with a prize at the end. Children need to be bribed with candy so there’s no surprise that a boyfriend might need some motivation as well.

Just because we are nurturing beings doesn’t mean we should let someone take advantage of us.

It ends with him.

You can’t wave a magic wand and turn a boy into a man. As an adult, he has to make the decision to grow up on his own. It’s all about compromise. A man who is your true millionaire match will want to alleviate your stress even if it means doing something he doesn’t particularly like. The only thing we can do as women is to teach our future children to provide for themselves so they won’t have to rely on anyone.

It’s one thing to help a man pick out an outfit and it’s another thing to organize his entire closet. Guide your man, don’t be his guardian.

 

Written by Christina Madera

Dating in NYC: Fun Events for a Summer Date Night

1db9da925e3399be06119dabc35253f8Have you been looking for an exciting date night idea? Our professional matchmakers at Project Soulmate have a few ideas for you.

If you’re looking for a different kind of dinner out:

1. Smorgasburg in Williamsburg every Saturday through October. Head to Brooklyn and check out this flea-market spin off for some delicious and mouthwatering foods.
2. Hester Street Fair in the Lower East Side every Saturday through October. Check out this Manhattan based food fair for some seriously tasty cuisine.

If you’re looking for a night of dancing:

1. Bryant Park Dancing Party every Wednesday through the end of June. Head to Midtown for some music and expert dance instruction at the Fountain Terrace.
2. Governor’s Island 11th Annual Jazz Age Lawn Party August 13th and 14th. This annual event plays authentic 1920s and 1930s music, so head out and flaunt your best flapper dresses.

If you’re looking for an outdoor movie night:

1. Bryant Park Summer Film Festival every Monday night through August 22nd, with movies like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Top Gun, and The Big Chill.
2. Summer Screen Brooklyn’s Free Film and Concert Series every Wednesday night in July until August 10th, with movies like Scream, The Fast and The Furious, and 10 Things I Hate About You.

No matter what you and your significant other choose to do, you’re guaranteed to have a memorable summer night out in NYC!

Written by Lexey Chandler

 

How Long should Women wait to have Sex?

It’s the question that has been haunting women since the emergence of the dating culture, “Is it too soon for sex?”

 

Megan thinks she knows the answer. You know Megan. She’s an old friend, a friend every gal has. That one friend who thinks she is a relationship guru because she has watched all six seasons of Sex and the City. Megan likes to think of first-time sex as a mathematical equation: Nice guy + job security x 4 dates = perfect timing. As if something as sticky as sex and love can be satisfied with a calculator…  

It all sounds great on paper but it can’t be translated into the real world because no two men are the same. Can we ever really know when it’s appropriate to get inappropriate?

In this 24/7 world, defining quick can be sort of challenge. Even with high-speed internet access, express shipping, and microwave ovens, we are consistently searching for the fastest route possible. This is especially true when you’re talking about dating in New York.sex

Moving “fast” can come naturally for some and it’s not a bad thing; just have caution. Having sex earlier on may be a turn-off for both parties. This may give off the impression of irresponsibility, lack of self-control, and won’t leave any room for the imagination moving forward. However, there are also consequences for waiting “too long”. If your partner becomes impatient they may lose interest in furthering a relationship. With a double edged-sword like this one which one of us can escape injury?

Our relationship expert Lori Zaslow says, instead of asking ourselves how long should we wait we should ask how comfortable do we feel around this person. We need to quit thinking that we can come up with definitive rules for dating. Waiting to text back, waiting to lean in for a kiss….Wait to get to know the person, that’s it! Don’t wait because society says so. Wait because you aren’t ready.

There is no right or wrong answer to the original question: is it too soon for sex? because time is relative. If you feel safe letting another person inside your heart and your mind (and the feeling is mutual) then you are probably ready to get intimate. If we break down sex to its simplest form isn’t that what it is: allowing someone to be inside of you and to connect with you. If you are ready for that level of intimacy, a time constraint will do nothing but ruin the organic flow of the relationship.   

On the other hand, if you are not ready to reach that level of intimacy than go at your own pace. Whether it be a month or a year, just listen to your gut. When you are ready you’ll feel it like hunger for flesh you didn’t even know you craved. Frankly, no man or woman wants a partner who is self-conscious about having sex. They don’t want you to doubt or worry. He or she will want you to be ready so that you can both enjoy it.

The decision is ultimately yours; will you allow your love life to be governed by time or by passion?

 

Christina Madera

 

Top 5 Reasons Why Men Spoil Women

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Princess, sugar baby, gold-digger…there are a ton of diverse names for women who love to be pampered. Each of these expressions confirms the popular belief that women desire a beau who will spoil them with extravagant gifts and romantic getaways. The truth is; diamonds are in fact a girl’s best friend, but if women can afford to buy it on their own then why do men insist on getting it for them?

 

To show their affection

Relationship expert Jennifer Zucher say men are not as easy to read as women are. When a woman is upset, she’ll cry and when she is feeling pleasured, she’ll moan. Men are more reserved and shy away from expressing their emotions, especially those associated with love. Buying a dozen red roses to show his love is a no-brainer, while writing a sincere poem may be out of his league.

 

To prove their financial stability

Women of today are as independent as ever and men are conscious of this. Yet, men still feel the need to take care of females. Truthfully, it’s hard to blame them when hits like Fergie’s “Glamorous” have girls broadcasting If he ain’t got no money… you know the rest. In the 21st century, American full-time working women make an average of 40,000 a year, yet they only earn 79 cents for every dollar that a man makes. I guess the 20-cent difference makes offering to pick up the check merely a small treat for the date.

 

To make you feel one of a kind

Relationship expert Lori Zaslow knows men want the best for themselves as well as their lady. Men adorn women in gorgeous jewelry to show them how beautiful they are and to convey how much they mean to them. Men also realize that they can also earn major brownie points when they remember that you favor dark chocolate sea salt truffles over the milk chocolate pearls. Very clever!

 

To stand out

            Dating in New York is challenging, especially for men. The women are not just pretty; they’re educated, adventurous, independent, aggressive (who isn’t it’s New York City), hard working, and fun! Finding love in NYC means men have to try a bit harder to gain a women’s attention. This may include additional woo-ing here and there but will nonetheless feed a man’s innate appetite for competition.

 

Because they genuinely want to you see happy

Men want their woman to be happy even when she is in her worst of moods. Project Soulmate believes men can spoil in the simplest ways whether it is by buying a bottle of her favorite wine or a box of greasy New York pizza. A wise man once said, “making a girl smile isn’t as hard as understanding her,” and to this day, I have never heard something as candid as this.

 

Christina Madera