How Picky is Too Picky When Searching for a Relationship?

Lately, it seems that no matter where we turn we’re faced with articles that say that our generation is “un-dateable” or “there are perfectly good reasons why you’re single!” At the end of the day, it doesn’t take a relationship expert to figure out why most of us are single. It’s because we’re too damn picky.

Don’t get me wrong- there’s no problem with knowing what you want in a relationship. That will save you a lot of time, emotions, and lipstick in the long run.

The problem we have is that, especially when it’s been a while, we tend to concoct this dream man straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel and any guy who doesn’t meet those standards gets brushed off. Hell, you could have the best matchmaking service in NYC set you up and still find a flaw in your date. Maybe that’s why we’ve been deemed un-dateable?

There’s also a problem within the problem. A lot of us are blind to the fact that we’re picky. We wonder why we push guys away after a few dates or second-guess the relationship when something goes slightly awry.

These things happen because we may not be picky in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses, our pickiness decides to sneak out of the woodwork.

At first, he’s your type. He draws you in and you thank the heavens that you’ve finally broken out of your rut. You’re ready to laugh in all of the faces of those who said you were un-dateable.

Then, you’re pickiness shows up to the party. You notice that he’s not as cute when he shaves his beard. You love that he has tattoos, but think the ones he has are tacky and cliché. That one time he came over for a Netflix date, he chose way too girly of a movie (which he only chose for you and almost definitely hated) which makes him way too sensitive.

We’re all guilty of it. We ruin a good thing by nitpicking the reasons why a perfectly good guy isn’t good enough for us. We end up losing him and blame it on everything but the fact that in our picky minds, he just wasn’t up to par.

Like I said, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a man and in a relationship. But when the shoes he wears on the third date makes or breaks the relationship, that’s when you need to take a step back and reevaluate which of your criteria are actually important to you, and which ones are just picky pet peeves getting in the way of love.

 

BY: Nicole D’Amato

The Goldilocks Effect: Too Nice, Too Bad, Too Good to Be True

We’ve all heard the old fairytale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. A little blonde girl wanders into the home of a family of bears who have gone out for a walk. She rummages through their house, trying each bear’s porridge, sitting in each bear’s chair and sleeping in each bear’s bed until she finds the one that’s just right.

While we may have overlooked it as a silly fairytale growing up, our favorite blonde, porridge eating character staged the perfect symbolism for what many of us experience in our journey to find love, which I like to call: the Goldilocks Effect.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a love life that is so successful, it seems like an elite matchmaker laid it out for them. Most of us go through a roller coaster of guys before we find “the one”.

I’m sure there’s a list a mile long of the different guys we’ve gone on dates with, and each has a defining characteristic that strikes him off of our future husband list. Here are a few that every single girl is likely to encounter at one point or another on her roller coaster ride to find love:

The Nice Guy: We’ve all met, and probably been on at least one date with, “The Nice Guy.” He’s classically handsome, chivalrous, and everything your mom and grandma describe when they talk about your perfect match.

On paper, “The Nice Guy” is the total package. He’s sweet, intelligent, thoughtful, and caring. He opens doors and compliments you. He brings you flowers and picks up the check. He walks you to your door at the end of the night without the expectation of being invited up.

He’s everything you could ask for in a gentleman. So why is it that you seem to write him off if he’s so perfect?

It’s because he’s just TOO nice.

His jokes are funny but safe- you would never hear an inappropriate or sarcastic pun escape his lips at risk of offending you. He’s always playing it safe. He won’t make the move to give you the goodnight kiss that you’re dying for because he’s afraid to move too fast with you. The dates he takes you on are cut and dry- dinner, a walk on the beach, a coffee shop- never something adventurous or daring.

Point blank: because he plays it too safe, so he loses your interest. Women are complex and we need something to keep our attention and spice things up, otherwise we get bored.

The Bad Boy: The next quintessential man that you are sure to date is “The Bad Boy.” He is the polar opposite of “The Nice Guy,” and he is everything that is NOT on mom and grandma’s “How to Find Love” list that they’ve shoved in your face since you were old enough to date.

“The Bad Boy” is just that: he’s covered in tattoos, rough around the edges, mysterious, and has a notoriously infamous reputation for one reason or another. Maybe he’s the biggest player in the area, or maybe he has a not-so-clean past that follows him around. Whatever it is, it attracts you to him like a magnet.

You’re infatuated with “The Bad Boy.” He keeps you on your toes and you never know what to expect with him. As things progress, you start to think that you can break him of his bad boy reputation and that falling in love with you will put him on the straight and narrow.

The sad realization about “The Bad Boy” is that unless he wants to change, he’s not going to. No matter how many times you try to get him to do couple-y things together, he’s more likely to commit to his next tattoo than he is to an evening with you. And forget asking him to post that picture of the two of you to his Instagram. Anything that could damage his bad boy image is a no-go.

If you’re trying to find love, looking to “The Bad Boy” is going to lead to a dead end because just as his nickname entails, he’s bad for you.

The Too Good To Be True: I can personally attest that the guys who seem too good to be true tend to be.

In my own quest to find love, I’ve personally encountered all of the aforementioned men. I’ve been disappointed with “The Nice Guy,” tried to change “The Bad Boy,” and thought I hit the jackpot with the guy who was too good to be true- until it came crashing down.

The “Too Good to Be True” guy is the one who seems to be the whole package. He’s handsome, witty, thoughtful, romantic, fun and easy to be with. Even as you are still getting to know him, you feel as if you’ve known him for your whole life.

From the start, you feel like you can open up to him and be yourself completely. He surprises you with flowers and gifts that he could only know you’d love by actually listening to your rambling that most people tune out.
Everything with him is perfect. It’s literally too good to be true. Then, reality hits. It IS too good to be true.

You realize that he may not be all he’s cracked up to be. Your initial infatuation diminishes as the honeymoon stage ends and you’re left wondering if he is as amazing as you initially thought. Or you find that some of the things that made him incredible were fabrications or down right lies. The excitement over him begins to fade, and the constant communication between the two of you becomes more of a nuisance than it is enjoyable and you start to nitpick everything that happens between the two of you.

As much as it sucks to hear, if you think someone is too good to be true, he probably is.

 

Along the beaten path you’ve taken to find love, there’s bound to have been times where you been ready to give up and settle for living life as a cat lady. But just think, it took Goldilocks a few tries to find what was just right for her, and it’s no different for your love life.

One day, you’ll come across a guy who is the perfect combination of “The Nice Guy,” “The Bad Boy,” and the “Too Good to Be True.” He’s going to be the perfect guy for you- your “just right.”

So don’t stop looking, because if you do, your soulmate may slip right through the cracks.

 

BY: Nicole D’Amato